the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
is wine microwaveable?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
