I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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