She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize