plz talk dirty to me
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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