If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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