hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
