considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
