i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
