Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You're like the curious george of whores
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
