some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
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