we have officially lost it.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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