I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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