i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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