id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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