Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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