My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
