Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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