I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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