woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
