I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
