I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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