We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
