I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
