3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
