shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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