Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
