If that was your dad, he is hot
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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