dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
