her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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