Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
