I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
