I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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