What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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