Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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