I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
