Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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