Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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