so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
