The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
