I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
