She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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