what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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