you're like a bully in the Christmas story
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
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