I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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