quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
