At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize