Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
