I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
