at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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