update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
