youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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