He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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