Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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