Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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