My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
