I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
