Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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