she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
